Party Like It's the Cold War


The last week of January 2019 marks the official end to the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty between the United States and Russia. This treaty is a Cold War era agreement that came about in the midst of a mid to late 1900s nuclear war threat.

The treaty basically stated that missiles could not be produced by either country within 300 to 3,400 miles of each other’s borders. All existing missiles had to be destroyed as well.

Before Saturday, Jan. 26, when President Vladimir Putin of Russia pulled the plug, our good ole pal, our prez, D.J. Trump, announced Friday that the U.S. would be withdrawing under accusations that Russia had been violating the treaty for many years.

The entire process of withdrawal will take six months, and Trump plans to follow through with this plan, “unless Russia comes back into compliance [with the rules and regulations of the treaty].” A change of heart, however, does not seem likely.

This is because Putin responded to Trump’s departure by announcing Russia’s new plans to design and build missiles and other nuclear weapons previously restricted under the ban… to be completed within the next two years.

Congratulations, America! We are now dangerously close to a nuclear war with Russia. Again.

So, let’s talk bunkers. And food. And water. And, of course, we must discuss all the games we have to take with us so that we don’t die from boredom before we get the chance to die by nuclear blast!

Your bunker should be of the latest design so that you don’t have to worry about installing your own air conditioning and electricity - you know, if you’re boujee like that. Make sure to equip your bunker with clean undies, toilet paper, hygiene products and a shovel to dig your way out when all the rubble and tons of Earth inevitably explode and fall down around you.

Bring plenty of water, canned foods and other non-perishable food items such as dried fruits and nuts.

As for games, might I suggest checkers? It’s timeless and easy to play. Or, if you’d rather haul your WiFi router, Xbox, controllers and video games 20 meters below the ground, you can do that too.

Another option is a good old fashioned game of Dungeons and Dragons, which can last as long as your adventurous mind allows. In fact, I know a group of friends (who will remain anonymous at this point in time due to the potential for public humiliation) who are already planning their quest! Good job guys; you’re one step ahead.

After the dust clears, and the air is full of pollution, the trees are purple and the grass is blue and across America roam two-headed deer and little Hulk squirrels, you’ll have to learn how to adapt to your new environment. For this, you’ll probably want to lug your science textbooks with you to the bunker, as these will help you cope in the long run with your mutating body upon re-entering the Earth’s wrecked atmosphere.

Hopefully, we won’t need to do all this. But if so, at least this article holds all of the information you need to prepare for total annihilation!* Don’t worry, there’s no need to thank me.

*Note: This article in no way will prepare you for nuclear war, and the writer has absolutely no idea what she is talking about. Also she is totally not in a D&D group with her friends. She’s not, alright.

#feature #IsabellaHouston

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